Please stop telling me to “keep fighting” – PART TWO.

When I looked back on my blog posts to see that part ONE of “Please stop telling me to keep fighting” was written over a YEAR AGO now, I couldn’t believe it. If you’re new to my page or missed the post, you can catch up and read part one here:

Please stop telling me to “keep fighting”

It’s crazy to think that after a whole year of fighting fighting fighting, I am still here.

Since my CT scan in April and my colonoscopy in May, with both results showing that I am “stable”, we would all like to HOPE that things would be on the improve, that this cancer life would give me a bit of a break, right?

Wrong. In the space of two months, I’ve had four… yes, FOUR pretty severe partial bowel obstructions, through no fault of my own (no, I didn’t eat something I shouldn’t have). So what causes a partial bowel obstruction if it isn’t the food that I eat? It’s the internal scar tissue, also known as adhesions, that is the issue. When someone has been operated on countless times – and we’re talking full open abdominal surgery here – there’s going to be a lot of internal scar tissue. I have lost count of the amount of times my abdomen has been completely opened up, my insides taken completely out, operated on, pieces cut out, then put back in and stitched back up again.

This scar tissue likes to the attach itself to the bowel, causing an obstruction, and causing the type of pain that I cannot even begin to accurately put into words and describe to you. I like to think that I’ve developed a pretty high pain threshold these days, so even if I were to try and describe it, I wouldn’t do it any justice. It is unbearable, I cannot even stand up straight – let alone stand up at all when I’m in this amount of pain. The best way I can describe it, is like someone has both their hands wrapped around your bowel and they’re giving it a chinese burn – they’re twisting it and twisting it and you feel like your insides are going to either implode OR explode.

So painful bowel obstructions and vomiting up bile are now on my list of things to deal with on a regular basis these days. They occur without any warning whatsoever, in fact I have been at work some days feeling completely fine, and then I’ve gotten home and then that night, it hits me… and they will stay for however long they want. Sometimes they may stay for two or three days, sometimes they may stay for a week to 10 days. With that, follows dehydration, zero appetite, malnourishment and a bevy of other things. Sherie – you should continue to fight those regular bowel obstructions, no matter how much pain you endure and no matter how malnourished they make you and how much they emotionally drain you – you should still be fierce and continue to fight them… NO THANKS.

In comes some newfound pelvic issues, which I don’t want to delve into too much right now because I am still uncertain what exactly is going on. However, these issues include more pain, more discomfort and more soul destroying emotions… but Sherie, you should still be fierce and fight this as well as the bowel obstructions… NO THANKS.

It’s now been four and a half YEARS jumping hurdles. If you had to jump hurdles 24/7 for four and a half years, you’d be tired too right? I know that people mean well, and I know that people don’t often know what to say, but simply expecting someone to “keep fighting” when you don’t know or understand even half of what they’re dealing with, when they can feel that their own body is struggling, it puts us between a rock and a hard place. We ARE fighting, we HAVE been fighting, constantly, 24/7 since the day of our diagnosis.

Nor is cancer ever about giving up. None of this is about giving up. We get thrust into a new world that we had no say in. We are forced into a life shattering situation that we didn’t sign up for. There is no “giving up” when cancer is concerned. We do the bloody best we can given the shitty cards we’ve been dealt.

No one lives forever, but those with cancer, many will have their lives cut short through absolutely no fault of their own. NOT because they gave up, and most definitely not because they “lost their fight”. Nothing makes me shudder more than hearing or reading that someone “lost their fight to cancer”. To me, it is one of the most degrading and devastating things to say to farewell someone who fought like fucking hell to stay alive but their body had other plans. We don’t want to be farwelled and considered as “losing”. We have absolutely no control over what our bodies are doing to us – this is not a win/lose situation here, it’s about trying to make the best out of what we’re given.

In a perfect world, cancer (or any debilitating illness or disease for that matter) wouldn’t exist. We would all be fit and healthy and living happy lives… but that isn’t reality. Cancer DOES exist, this is NOT a perfect world and no one truly knows how long they have left on this earth.

So before you whinge and moan about something petty that your partner/husband/wife has or hasn’t done… be grateful you have one. I unfortunately will never experience true love or marriage. Aside from my family, I will never know what it feels like to have someone love me so deeply and with every ounce of them.

Before you whinge about what little shits your kids have been today, be grateful you have them. I, along with many others, have had motherhood stripped away from me.

Before you whinge about bad traffic, queues at the supermarket, or how cold it is, be grateful you are living a normal life and haven’t been curled up in bed all day with pain and nausea wondering “when does this stop?”.

So please…please, choose your words carefully. I know everyone means well, but sometimes the purest of intentions can make someone unwell feel more shit than they already do. It’s been four and a half years and I am allowed to be tired. My mind, body and soul is so very tired and all I really need or want is your love and thoughtfulness, that’s it. You don’t need to say a thing, other than that you’re here for me and respect whatever decisions I make moving forward.

Thank you… love Sherie xox