So what should you say to a loved one with cancer?

When I wrote my “please stop telling me to keep fighting” piece, I didn’t believe that it would be worthy enough to be republished by a news outlet, nor did I believe that it would resonate with so many people. It was such a raw and honest piece that generated quite a lot of discussion.

I have been inundated with comments, emails and private messages, all from people who have opened up about their own personal story, and how thankful they are that I spoke up.

I have also received gratitude from people who do not have cancer, but who have a loved one currently going through it, and my piece opened their eyes to the world of what their loved one is going through.

I have also been told, for the first time in a long time, how well I write, and how well I was able to articulate my message. In a previous job of mine, I had a boss who constantly criticised every single thing that I wrote. I had to write meeting minutes, agendas, letters and also write social media content. Every single piece of writing that I completed, it was picked at, and constantly knocked back by my boss, with no feedback or advice given. I am not a journalist by any means, and I have had no formal training in writing, but this role only required very basic writing skills. The criticism continued every single day, for five years, and I soon began to believe it. I started to agree that I was a terrible writer and I eventually lost faith in my ability.

Since I’ve been so unwell, and so incredibly bored, I decided to start writing again, and it has somewhat become therapeutic for me. Questions arose from my last post, asking me “What DO I say then? If people don’t want to hear keep fighting??”.

The answer is really quite simple. You can say “I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say”, because half the time, we don’t know what to say either. Or think back to BEFORE your loved one was diagnosed, what did you talk to them about then? Did you discuss how your days at work were? Did you fill each other in on what you did over the weekend? Did you like talking about what is current in the news? What movies you’ve seen or what TV shows you’ve been watching?

These are normal everyday conversations, this is what you should be saying. We don’t want sympathy, or to see your sad eyes, we want as much normality as possible. We want normal conversation, because after all, we are still that same person you know and love.

In my situation, I did also notice that friends would put their words more into actions. I was incredibly blessed to experience many thoughtful gestures so I compiled a list of things that I know helped ME (obviously keep in mind that what may appeal to one, may not appeal to another. Just draw on your knowledge of your loved one and the ideas will come to you).

• Magazines. The trashy gossip type ones that were quick an easy to read. A friend organised  a subscription so that I had a new magazine to look forward to each week.
• Adult colouring in books (not adult as in R-rated adult haha) – the really nice ones that seem to be everywhere at the moment. They’re specifically designed for adults and not for kids. Also some coloured pencils. I found that colouring in was the only sort of meditation that actually worked for me and genuinely kept my mind off things.
• Text messages or facebook messages. I personally didn’t like phone calls, or any surprise visits at the hospital. I don’t quite understand why people would rock up to a hospital for an unannounced and unplanned visit, but please don’t do it. There’s a constant flow of doctors, surgeons, nurses, physio etc that are in and out of the room at all times, that alone can be exhausting. By sending a text, I could reply at a more convenient time, either after a nap or once my pain was under control.
• When I went through radiotherapy, I was given products like sorbolene cream to help ease my radiation burns. Sugar free lollies because my mouth tasted like metal. Peppermint tea for nausea, Biotene for dry mouth, a heated blanket and cotton socks because I had chemo during winter. I also loved nice toiletries for my hospital stays, think body butter from the Body Shop.
• Home baked treats were always a hit with me, especially because I always lose a lot of weight post-surgery and during treatment.

• If you’re in the position to do so, let them log into your Foxtel Go/Netflix/Stan account, because daytime TV sucks!
• If you have children, get them to draw/paint/scribble a picture to give to your loved one. No gesture is ever too small. Or go one step further and record a cute video message from them on your phone and send it. A friend of mine did this for me recently and it gave me a renewed strength.

We already know that this is hard on you too, but the best thing that you can do is to continue being you. Don’t overthink your words, don’t get awkward, just continue being a friend, the best way you know how.